We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
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{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
this is so top tier i cant
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.