Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
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Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Tough love is true love
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?