Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
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This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
This why you should mind your business
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
💁🏻♂️
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.