Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
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My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.