weβre insta mutuals now πππ
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Why is being alive so expensive? Iβm not even having a good time.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, βIs Instagram back up yet?β
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. Itβs skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but itβs also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
The question I ask myself most often is, βWhat would a jury think about this?β
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and heβs being very supportive
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said βbabyβ and i nodded. itβs true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My dad would freak tf out!π€£π
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. Iβll stop twerking now
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.