Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
You Might Also Like
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.