What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”