Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Seems legit
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
starting a new show sucks. who are these people
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
The delivery guy absolutely hates it when I call him my pizza mule.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself