Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go get something, I feel like it’s ok to run you over with said cart.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
The pasta is now
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
$1k for brakes?? nvm bro, i’ll just stick my arm out the window and grab the car next to me
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.