Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
🐟✨ #re4
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
And bowling should be called pinball
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.