When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
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The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.