when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
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1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies