Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
You Might Also Like
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
My flabber has been gasted.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.