When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
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I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
We’ve all been there…
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
FRED: right
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.