WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
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2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
for all #parents out there
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.