Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
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Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*