Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
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Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
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A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
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