yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
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Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
thank god the sign was there