*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
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No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.