@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
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Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.