It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
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What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything