🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
You Might Also Like
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
wow he looks just like him
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
😂😂😂
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat