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i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
What in the hipster hell is going on here
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
The internet is magic sometimes.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Finally, a door that understands me
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!