Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
You Might Also Like
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
ok like just. call me at this point
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Knock Knock
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Nothing to do, you say?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.