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My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Friend: Iβm worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
when i donate my body to science, theyβll be like ok do we have any other options?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
βNo more screen-time! Donβt worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!β
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
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π§π’βͺοΈπ‘π’not wordle, just some fried rice βΊοΈ
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments