Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
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Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
This might be the funniest tweet ever
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
“Oh hi, you’re home early”