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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.