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Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
When I laugh on my period
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.