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*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
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“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
another case of gang violins
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I鈥檓 like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
no one likes gloating
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They鈥檒l be in your face in no time.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
The closest thing I鈥檝e had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
If they鈥檙e right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I鈥檓 cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don鈥檛 have to fix up this freaking house any more
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more