Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
You Might Also Like
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.