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Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it