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police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”