[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
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Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.