You Might Also Like
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.