only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.