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I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Life is a suicide mission.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.