Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
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Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.