You Might Also Like
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.