πππ₯°ππ
You Might Also Like
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
When they said βHistory repeats itself,β I wasnβt expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but youβve just finished so you say something like: Iβm done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they donβt call your bluff
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when youβve forgotten who I am
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: Β£3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
Thereβs a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think heβs going oh no
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
What did the llama say to his date?
βWant to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.β
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasnβt come back. Thatβs why I never started smoking. I just donβt have the time.
Happy thanksgiving!
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didnβt know either.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. Itβs crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
And that about sums it up.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: π πΎπ π·π΄π°π π³ π·πΈπΌ.