70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
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I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”