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autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.