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It be like that sometimes 😆
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]