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Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.