guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
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Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes