2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
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When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Lmao
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!