6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
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i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
my lower back watching me try to live my life
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Seems a bit forward
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.