Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
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wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Best mom ever 😂
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.