Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
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Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.