My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
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Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Nothing to do, you say?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol