11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
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First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Bloody internet 😳
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU