Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
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I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me